Month: December 2015

Stuff I’ve Done – The Outtakes

  • I have managed to spill coffee on myself, my couch, my afghan, or my floor every day for the past three months. I’m not even surprised anymore.
  • I finished my NaNoWriMo challenge with 2 days to spare! The last week was tough because what I thought was the midpoint was actually the climax and the whole book needs to be rewritten from that scene onward. So I wrote down how I want to do the rewrite then wrote some fun scenes with the characters. Like fan fic of my own fic. Now the whole thing is simmering until I decide to pick it up again.
  • I got over the half way hurdle with the line edits on my novel. Now that there’s some semblance of an end in sight, the editing is going far more smoothly. One for the win column.
  • The Christmas movie watching obsession has officially begun! I’ve been watching them for weeks already but it wasn’t official until December 1st. Some of these movies I’ve seen a dozen times and watching them is like meeting old friends. And not the ones you’d assume. Oh I watch the classics – It’s a Wonderful Life, White Christmas, Elf, Love Actually…but the ones that I most look forward to? The ABC Family Originals. Particularly the ones with the insane plot lines and actors who used to be singers (or models or child TV stars). My end goal here is to some day have a list of the 25 absolute best Christmas movies ever, all defended with brilliant examples and screen shots.
  • I make my bed every morning and tell myself that it’s basically the same thing as having a clean house.
  • Of course I’ve been reading A LOT. I have a stack of books to share and I hope to get caught up before the year is out. I started two new reading challenges for myself – my own personalized 100 Books to Read Before You Die list (all the classics I feel I might not hate) and a list of romance authors to read before the next RT convention. More on these later. Also look for my list of the top books I’ve read this year – that’ll be showing up sometime around December 31st.
  • And now I’ve got another book to plan because why have one book project going when you can have three?

Emotion Like A Destiny’s Child Song

Note: This is a post I wrote a few weeks ago. I won’t deny it’s validity by saying it reads like an angsty me teenager (though it does). I wrote it because I felt I could try to explain what was going on with me at the time. Now I’m posting it as a way of sharing where I’ve been these past few weeks. If the emotional stuff is too much for you, never fear, the comedy versions coming out later today.

Today I am sad and out of sorts. It has to do, in part, with these things:

  • Tomorrow my friend is going to put down her long-suffering dog. This is a dog I’ve known for years, who I used to live with, who I’ve pet sat for on many an occasion. I’m stopping by tonight to say goodbye but how do you begin to say goodbye?
  • People keep telling me there’s a song written about me. They’re thinking about “Cecilia” by Simon and Garfunkel. I know because people have been telling me that and singing to me most of my life. I am sad that they can’t read my name tag properly. I am sad that they’re trying so hard to connect but are going about it all wrong. I am sad because I don’t have the energy to correct them or care that they’re wrong. I respond to Cecelia. How sad is that? It’s not even my name.
  • I’ve been getting pretty sad and worked up about fictional characters lately. I love fictional characters, love them so much it hurts when the book is over or the character dies.

Mostly I am just sad. As in the depressed kind of sad. Sometimes I consider myself a high functioning depressed person. Sometimes I call it mild depression.

The drugs make it so I feel generally a little better. They also make it harder to cry. Like there are tears constantly building up behind my eyes but they won’t spill over, they just build and build until I am so upset I can’t help myself. Sometimes I wish I could cry more or better or whatever.

It’s this ache in my chest. It squeezes my heart, trying to squeeze out all the emotion. But the only emotion I have, the only one that is there, is sadness. It squeezes and I feel more sad and still no tears.

Living with depression is like that. There are good days and bad days, ups and downs like whoa. The middle ground is an illusion we don’t know about anymore.