depression

Off Roading For A Few Days

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For the past few days I have been on a therapist prescribed Staycation. In my last session I told my therapist I was feeling anxious and exhausted after the holidays. Every time one of my friends or family asked me to do something (fun things, things I’d normally enjoy), I’d get a wave of anxiety and a gut feeling that I needed to say no. My therapist reminded me that after periods of intense energy outpour, such as the holidays, I needed to recharge. Being an introvert, that meant I needed time alone. So she wrote me a prescription for at least two days off from social interaction of any kind.

There were some guidelines for this Staycation:

  1. I would practice suspension of judgement.
  2. I would practice mindfulness.
  3. I would do most to all of my twenty coping skills (everything from drink lots of water to exercise to deep breathing).
  4. I would not talk to anyone.

I told my family and some of my friends I was unavailable for two days, buried my phone in the laundry basket, took the clock off the wall, and practiced calming my frazzled nervous system.

The first day I had a few moments of panic. I’d remember approaching deadlines and calls I had to return and events I had to attend. I got into a real panic over the Christmas cards I hadn’t sent out (who ever gets those out on time anyway?).

The second day I settled into it. Last night I decided to extend my Staycation two more days because I could. Because it was helping, a lot.

What I’ve Taken Away:

  • I love yoga. It’s yoga classes I can’t handle.
  • Life can be fun, adventurous, meaningful, and whimsical. It’s not all struggle and strife.
  • Mindfulness is hard. I find it easier to be mindful when I’m physically doing something – cleaning, walking, painting.
  • I am really addicted to my phone and I don’t want to be.
  • The present moment, without the past or future to cloud it, is kind of amazing.

I encourage everyone to try this, even if only for a few hours or a day. Do things that feed your body, mind, and spirit. Things that recharge you and heal you. This staycation didn’t cost me anything extra. I actually got more done than I normally would and I felt better doing it. My personal goal is to do thing every few months.

Emotion Like A Destiny’s Child Song

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Note: This is a post I wrote a few weeks ago. I won’t deny it’s validity by saying it reads like an angsty me teenager (though it does). I wrote it because I felt I could try to explain what was going on with me at the time. Now I’m posting it as a way of sharing where I’ve been these past few weeks. If the emotional stuff is too much for you, never fear, the comedy versions coming out later today.

Today I am sad and out of sorts. It has to do, in part, with these things:

  • Tomorrow my friend is going to put down her long-suffering dog. This is a dog I’ve known for years, who I used to live with, who I’ve pet sat for on many an occasion. I’m stopping by tonight to say goodbye but how do you begin to say goodbye?
  • People keep telling me there’s a song written about me. They’re thinking about “Cecilia” by Simon and Garfunkel. I know because people have been telling me that and singing to me most of my life. I am sad that they can’t read my name tag properly. I am sad that they’re trying so hard to connect but are going about it all wrong. I am sad because I don’t have the energy to correct them or care that they’re wrong. I respond to Cecelia. How sad is that? It’s not even my name.
  • I’ve been getting pretty sad and worked up about fictional characters lately. I love fictional characters, love them so much it hurts when the book is over or the character dies.

Mostly I am just sad. As in the depressed kind of sad. Sometimes I consider myself a high functioning depressed person. Sometimes I call it mild depression.

The drugs make it so I feel generally a little better. They also make it harder to cry. Like there are tears constantly building up behind my eyes but they won’t spill over, they just build and build until I am so upset I can’t help myself. Sometimes I wish I could cry more or better or whatever.

It’s this ache in my chest. It squeezes my heart, trying to squeeze out all the emotion. But the only emotion I have, the only one that is there, is sadness. It squeezes and I feel more sad and still no tears.

Living with depression is like that. There are good days and bad days, ups and downs like whoa. The middle ground is an illusion we don’t know about anymore.